


Return of the King: A Summary

by marysiak



Category: The Lord of the Rings (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-14 13:23:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9183493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marysiak/pseuds/marysiak
Summary: Written Dec. 23rd, 2003: "Can't be bothered going to see the movie? Fell asleep half way through? I am here to save the day. Except I've only seen it once and so I don't really remember what happens when. You know, you really would think I had better things to do, or could at least wait till I saw it again. But I am very impatient."





	

BBFC Certification  
Audience: Yay! Woo! *claps*  
Title  
Audience: Yay! Woo! *claps*

Scene - a river  
Audience: Yay! Woo! *claps*  
Deagol: *splash*  
Smeagol: eep  
Deagol: glug  
Smeagol: ooh  
Ring: *whisper whisper*  
Deagol: erk  
Smeagol: Preciousssss

Scene - a mountain  
Gollum: *evil cackle*  
Sam: *worried face*  
Frodo: *angsty face*

Scene - Isengard  
Merry: I am so high! How are you Pippin?  
Pippin: I am soooo high!  
Merry: I am like way higher than you, dude  
Pippin: Ha ha h ah aaha. Hey look it's Gandalf and Strider and the poncy elf!  
Gandalf: *stern look*  
Legolas: *pout*  
Palantir: *glimmer*  
Pippin: Ooh shiny!  
Gandalf: Mine!  
Treebeard: creak

Scene - Edoras (outside)  
Legolas: *looks pouty*  
Aragorn: *looks manly*

Scene - Edoras (inside)  
Pippin: *steals Gandalfs shiny ball*  
Merry: Er  
Pippin: Argh!  
Merry: o0o  
Pippin: Argh argh argh!  
Gandalf: *very stern look*  
Pippin: wibble  
Gandalf: Pull yourself together and tell me what you saw.  
Pippin: I feel great paaaain and loooonging....  
Gandalf: Right, best be off then.  
Merry: huff  
Pippin: I'm soooooo sorry!  
Merry: Talk to the hand.  
Pippin: Merry my love!  
Merry: teary wibble  
Pippin: wah!  
Gandalf: *rides off with Pippin - sternly*

scene - Rohirrim Camp  
Eowyn: And after we've finished playing soldiers we can play elves!  
Merry: Can you braid my hair like Legolas?  
Eomer: Good grief!

Scene - Minas Tirith  
Gandalf: Don't tell him anything, Pippin.  
Pippin: No problem.  
Gandalf: *enters hall sternly*  
Gandalf: Hello not-the-king. Do as I say or else!  
Denethor: Talk to the hand.  
Pippin: BTW, it's all my fault your favourite son is dead.  
Denethor: Mmmm... hobbit.  
Pippin: Eek!  
Gandalf: Respect my authority!

Scene - Rohirrim Camp - a tent  
Elrond: I can't believe how much better than the Matrix this movie is! And check out this rad costume!  
Aragorn: Huh?  
Elrond: Oh right, sword, plot, thingy...  
Aragorn: *brandishes sword in manly fashion*

Scene - Outside the Paths of the Dead  
Aragorn: *looks manly*  
Legolas: *looks pouty*  
Gimli: *looks hairy*  
Eowyn: *looks weepy*  
Theoden: *looks concerned*  
Eomer: Good grief!

Scene - the Paths of the Dead  
Horses: Eek!  
Aragorn: I fear no danger!  
Legolas: I fear only cobwebs in my silky hair, but I have brought a comb.  
Gimli: *looks hairy*  
Ghosts: Woooo!  
Aragorn: Respect my authority!  
Ghost King: Talk to the hand.  
Aragorn: Talk to the sword!  
Ghosts: nice sword

Scene - Minas Tirith  
Faramir: My life is so hard.  
Denethor: Gandalf's stern looks have driven me mad!  
Pippin: *looks worried*  
Denethor: Leave my presence, Faramir. Your nose displeases me and I suspect your father was the milkman.  
Faramir: Fine then! *slams door*  
Pippin: er...  
Denethor: You have such a pretty mouth... entertain me with it.  
Pippin: *sings*  
Denethor: That's not what I meant!  
Faramir: Just wait till I'm dead, then he'll be sorry.  
Denethor: *munch*  
Pippin: la la la la  
Orcs: *twang*  
Faramir: ow!

Scene - a mountain  
Gollum: *evil cackle*  
Sam: *worried face*  
Frodo: *angsty face*  
Gollum: *sneaky face*  
Frodo: I hate you, Sam. Go home!  
Audience: Yay! Sam is so annoying.  
Sam: Wah! *leaves*  
Audience: Aw, poor Sam!  
Gollum: Gotcha!  
Frodo: Whu?  
Shelob: *scuttles*  
Audience: Eek!  
Frodo: Eek!  
*much running around*  
Shelob: *stab*  
Frodo: glug ack ugh bleh urgh gah wibble whee urm *thump*

Scene - Minas Tirith  
Denethor: I am mad for no real reason and now I shall burn my only remaining son alive and kill myself, mwah-ha ha ha!  
Faramir: *groan*  
Pippin: Wtf?  
*scuffle*  
Denethor: Argh! *falls off cliff*  
Faramir: *groan*

Scene - a mountain  
Sam: *unfeasible killing of giant spider*  
Shelob: erk  
Frodo:  
Sam: pain woe angst  
Orcs: Hey look, hobbit to go!  
Sam: Nooooooooooooooo!  
Frodo:

Scene - Minas Tirith  
*much battling*  
Theoden: Today is a good day to die!  
Rohirrim: Err  
Eowyn: Chaaaaarge!!!  
Merry: Grrrrr  
Eomer: Good grief.  
*more battling*  
Theoden: How much do we rock!  
Audience: Huzzah!  
Oliphaunts: *rumble*  
Rohirrim: Erk  
Theoden: Oh well, dying's back on the schedule.  
Eowyn: Chaaaaaarge!!!!!!  
Audience: Eep  
Witch king: Woooooo!  
Theoden: Uh-oh  
Fell Beast: *munch*  
Eowyn: Nooooooooooooooooooo!  
Witch King: Mwah ha ha ha  
Eowyn: Die foul fiend!  
Merry: What she said!  
Witch King: *poof*  
Theoden: My potty is broken!  
Eowyn: Whu?  
Theoden: You must rule in my stead.  
Eowyn: Wah!  
Aragorn: *looks manly*  
Ghosts: Wooooo!  
Legolas: Whee!  
Gimli: *looks hairy*  
Eomer: Good grief.  
*much routing of the foe*

Scene - an orc tower  
Frodo: whimper  
Sam: Chaaaaaarge!  
Orcs: wtf?

Scene - the battle field  
Pippin: Merry my love!  
Merry: whimper  
(for rest of scene see extended edition)

Scene - Mordor  
Frodo: Woe  
Sam: Chin up and all that.  
Frodo: *falls over*  
Sam: Why is it always me that has to carry him?

Scene - Minas Tirith  
Aragorn: What happened to those two guys, the short ones?  
Gandalf: Their scenes got cut.  
Aragorn: No the other two, the fat one and the angsty one.  
Gandalf: Oh them. I had completely forgotten about that.  
Aragorn: Something about a ring.  
Gandalf: Right, I guess they must be in Mordor by now.  
Aragorn: Where Sauron's army is...  
Gandalf: Right...  
Aragorn: Oops.  
Gandalf: Oops.  
Eowyn: Chaaaaaarge.  
Eomer: *face palm*  
Gandalf: What we need is to divert Sauron's attention away from them.  
Aragorn: Right, some way of diverting the army from Sam and Frodo's path.  
Legolas: Ooh I know I know! A diversion!  
Eowyn: Like I said. Chaaaaaaaaaaaarge!  
Merry: Chaaaaarge!  
Pippin: Chaaaaarge!  
Aragorn: Oh what the hell. Chaaaaarge!  
*much battling*

Scene - a volcano - exterior  
Sam: *falls over*  
Frodo: Ow!

Scene - a volcano - interior  
Frodo: *angsty face*  
Sam: *worried face*  
Frodo: Well this has been fun.  
Sam: Whu?  
Frodo: But really, it'd be a terrible waste of a perfectly nice ring.  
Sam: Um...  
Frodo: *disappears*  
Gollum: Preciousssssss!  
*semi-invisible scuffle ensues*  
Audience: *tries not to giggle*  
Gollum: *bite*  
Frodo: Ow! *reappears*  
Audience: Eeeeew!  
Gollum: *falls into burning lava*  
Audience: Eew! Finger! Eew!  
Ring: *melts*  
Sauron: Eek!  
Orc Army: Eek!  
Sauron: *poof*  
Good guys: Yay!  
Volcano: *boom*

Scene - ~~Rivendell~~ Minas Tirith - a bed  
Frodo: ungh  
Gandalf: He's awake.  
Heroes: Yay!  
*unexpected group orgy*  
Audience: Ooh, Legolas is soooo pretty! Is the film finished yet?

Scene - a ~~wedding~~ coronation  
Aragorn: *looks laundered and yet manly*  
Subjects: *bow*  
Legolas: *looks pretty*  
Aragorn: *looks captivated*  
Arwen: *clears throat*  
Legolas: *gazes into Aragorns eyes*  
Aragorn: *clasps Legolas shoulder*  
Arwen: *clears throat again*  
Legolas: *stands on her toe*  
Arwen: *kicks him in the back of the knee*  
Legolas: *stumbles aside*  
Aragorn: *accidentally kisses Arwen*  
Arwen: mmmmmm  
Audience: Ooh, Legolas is soooo pretty! Is the film finished yet?

Scene - the Shire  
Hobbits: *arrive triumphantly home*  
Audience: *start putting on their jackets*  
Hobbits: *go to the pub*  
Audience: *slurp the last of their coke*  
Sam: *marries that Rosie bint*  
Pippin: *catches bouquet*  
Merry: *pinches his ass*  
Frodo: *writes book*  
Audience: I mean any minute now, right?  
Sam: *has babies*  
Audience: Right?

Scene - The Grey Havens  
Bilbo: *looks old*  
Gandalf: *looks wise*  
Galadriel: *looks shiny*  
Frodo: *looks pensive*  
Audience: Is Legolas going to be in this scene?  
Bilbo: *leaves*  
Galadriel: *leaves*  
Audience: Should we leave?  
Frodo: Wait for me!  
Sam: Wtf?  
Merry and Pippin: Wah!  
Sam: But...  
Frodo: I just can't get the hang of not being pensive.  
Sam: Wah!  
Merry and Pippin: Wah!  
Audience: This has to be the end right?  
Gandalf: *leaves*  
Frodo: *leaves*

\- The End -

Audience: o0o  
Audience: Yay! Woo! *claps*

**Author's Note:**

> Review from original LJ post...
> 
> "Oooh, so much love. Faramir so milkman's child. Audience so me. " - Sarah Rees Brennan


End file.
